Putting a bow on holiday stress

What is life, if not a symphony (or tragedy) of relationships? As we suddenly find ourselves drifting into the holiday season like a crispy orange leaf during fall, just thinking about managing the interactions ahead — with family, friends, and even our own thoughts — can be a bundle.

“Some of the anticipatory stress begins the moment stores bring out the seasonal merchandise,” said Dawn Moore, clinic director for UNLV’s Center for Individual, Couple, and Family Counseling (CICFC). “It might be August or September when you walk into a store and the pumpkins are already out, and you’re like ‘Oh, wow, I have to start preparing.’”

It’s easy to become overwhelmed as your mind wanders toward the holiday obligations to come. Meeting the expectations and demands can prove burdensome for any number of reasons – finances, fraught family relationships, academic or work schedules, grief, or sometimes a combination of each. And if you’re feeling weight on your shoulders, you’re certainly not alone.

“The fall is a busy time in therapy,” Moore said of the CICFC, which treats both campus and Southern Nevada community members. “We see about 350 clients in a year with close to 5,000 sessions annually – and have more sessions between September and December than any other time of the year by far.”

In some cases, Moore said, shortened daylight hours as the holidays approach also contribute to the steadier stream of counseling sessions. Yes, despite Las Vegas’ oft-referenced sunny status of nearly 300 days of sunshine per year, seasonal affective disorder persists.

“As we lose an hour of sunshine around Halloween, people with symptoms of anxiety or depression are really impacted,” she said. “I don’t think people are always aware that it’s taking a toll on their mental or physical health, but it really is.”

You don’t have to struggle in silence. In the sections ahead, Moore provides solutions for addressing sensitive topics with family, and how to look after yourself when it’s so easy to neglect self-health. And it all starts with…

Having a Plan

It is OK to take a piece of paper and write out a plan about the boundaries you want. What events do you want to attend and which can be skipped? How long do you want to stay? What kinds of gifts should you buy, and what is your budget? To Moore, figuring out what works best for you and how you’ll handle the holidays (or special occasions) in advance will keep you feeling well.

“When your tank is empty, it’s really hard to be present with others,” she said. “And it’s even harder to value that time and connect when you have nothing to give. Sometimes you can tolerate people that maybe think differently than you, or aren’t the same as you in temperament or personality, when your cup is healthy and full.”

The moral of the story? Start from a better place and you’ll have better emotional regulation – even for the more stressful scenarios. Set yourself up for success.

“Prioritize yourself – not in a selfish way, but in a self-love and self-care way,” said Moore. “Have a routine. Sleep well, eat well, respect yourself and your body, and leave time for yourself and your relationships. Try to feel and understand what others are going through, and also do that for yourself.”

With that in mind, you’ll be well-equipped to handle…

Sensitive Topics

It’s a family dinner classic: politics, current events, religious talking points, and invasive personal questions can all prove touchy. 

Are you dating anyone? When are you getting married? When are you having children? Who’d you vote for? The questions can (and do) go on and on. 

“We have clients practice expressing their needs by using ‘I’ statements,” she said. “Calling, texting, or talking to their family and saying, ‘I would really like to not talk about politics or religion this Thanksgiving. Can we talk about other topics that are important to us?’

But everybody’s family is different. Some aren’t as adaptable and might push back with greater resistance. In those instances, it’s important to have an exit strategy. Moore recommends practicing what you’ll say in the mirror, or rehearsing with a friend, to figure out how you’ll respond to family members who might be a bit more brazen or argumentative. 

“Practice so you can assert yourself in a kind way that respects both parties,” said Moore. “Think about your connection to the other person and communicate with them through the lens of valuing that relationship. And if you mess up, as everyone does, learn how to make a repair.”

Her advice is to prioritize harmony and connection above power and positioning. This means that it’s a choice to turn conversations into shouting matches. There are plenty of neutral-comment topics to tap into – sports (sometimes), music, games, television shows, school, pets – that families can bond over.

“Just because we’ve taken topics off the table doesn’t mean we don’t have joint collective interests in the topics that we’ve kept on it,” said Moore. “My hope would be that this relieves stress instead of creating it, allowing interactions to be less challenging. You won’t feel like you’re just putting on a happy face.”

Now, you’re finally ready to take control of your…

Holiday Blues

One of the main reasons more people seek therapy during the close of the year, she says, is loss. The holidays tend to set the stage for reminiscing about the past. Whether it’s death, divorce, or separation, feelings of loneliness and sadness are not uncommon.

“What I recommend to clients is to find some social support,” said Moore. “Reach out to your friends, family, or another group you can connect with, whether it’s a hobby, sport, class – anything you can do to get out of being alone with your thoughts.”

All of this depends on taking care of yourself with a healthy routine. Some of the best advice Moore can offer to maintain zen stems from the four principles of dialectical behavior therapy: 

• Mindfulness: awareness of oneself, and what you’re thinking and feeling.
• Distress Tolerance: being able to calm yourself when someone has upset you or pushed your buttons.
• Emotional Regulation: controlling your inner emotions.
• Interpersonal Effectiveness: try your best to connect and interact with others.

“These skills really help us in conversations about current events, religion, politics, spirituality, and connecting with loved ones,” she said. “Making a plan and finding healthy ways to make peace with difficult situations is on each of us. And I feel like when people really practice these skills and learn to love themselves at the same time, we all do much better.”